I was a woman who loved too much, who had lost sight of God and fell from grace in an almighty spectacular way. I had lost my faith.

A series of failed business ventures and mishaps in my personal and professional life left me questioning whether there was a God. I sought to find answers in all the wrong places and in many ways I had become  a lost soul trying to seek the truth and meaning of life. There were many times I was in the depth of despair and when the pain became unbearable I contemplated suicide. What stopped me was the love of my children and family. I knew that the strong feelings of wanting to die were really a cry for help but I felt too ashamed to ask. I was battling with myself. I lost sight of who I was and where I was going. There were times that my eyes were so dark I literally couldn’t see. I was so busy giving to others; advocating for other people’s rights and in the process forgot my own. I went through a period of depression, anxiety, agro phobia and a feeling of worthlessness. I received therapy, however, I still felt unfulfilled in my life, with no clear sense of purpose or direction and I couldn’t understand why. I became angry at life and felt alone. I was in denial; not wanting to face up to the mess in my life so when anyone asked “how are you” I would present as being ok but internally I was a ball of confusion and hopelessness.

I was in a relationship that was coming to an end. I was struggling financially and getting very little support. I had gone from having a very well paid and fulfilling career, my own car, a house and going on holidays to being medically retired from a debilitating stress related illness to losing an investment property, living on benefit and driving an old banger. How did it get to this point that I was struggling to make ends meet and getting into major debt? I was forced to look at my life and returning to work was the only option. I began the process of returning to work 2 years ago. I met a woman advisor who I will call my ‘Guardian Angel’ as I have never seen her since. She gave me the name of a FGC Manager who was embarking on recruiting and training people to become Co-coordinators and I set about sending off a letter and my CV to the Manager. A few months later I received a response, telling me that funding had been secured for the project and to come for an interview. I was very nervous and did not do so well in the interview. I had not done an interview in over 8 years. However, it was as if God was with me.

One of the penuries’ that I attended was on ‘Understanding Domestic Violence’. It left me feeling extremely uncomfortable and very disturbed, the reason being, was that part of my life had just been played out in front of me. As part of my assignment I had to do further research and found out that 1 in 4 women in the UK alone (and rising) had experienced some form of sustained abuse in their relationships and many were killed at the point of leaving or taking their own lives. This was not only the hardest assignment for me to do but it was also the only one where I had to request an extension; it was such a painful subject matter I thought I would fail the course because of it. I could no longer remain in denial this was full up in my face; it hit me with such force I had to confront the facts and decide whether I wanted to remain a victim or become a survivor. I realized that the only choice I had was to leave. This experience for me was a very painful wake up call. It left me reflecting on my life and questioning my relationship even more than I had before. My relationship became even more strained as time went on and 2 months ago we finally decided to separate.

I had supported my ex partner financially over several years. 4 years ago he returned to Nigeria for several months on one of his “business trips” to embark on an agricultural project planting cassava in Nigeria or so I thought. I learned that my ex partner had met a woman whilst there, had an affair and she became pregnant with twins now aged 3. He recently sent for his new family to reside with him in Britain and
they are now living together. He had hidden this away from me for 4 years. The irony was that had I not supported him he would not have been able to go to Nigeria. This was the sum total of 18 years of my life. I was left numb, confused, devastated, betrayed, used and abused. – This was the ultimate betrayal. The truth I was confronted with was that he had really left me 4 years ago. All the arguments made sense now – they had been orchestrated and premeditated in order for him to deflect away from what he was really doing. He required an excuse to leave and for me to take the blame.

In October I was invited to attend the V2V performance of ‘The Truth’ by my brother and his wife and the performance touched me so much that I decided there and then to give my life to God. I have since asked God for forgiveness and for me to forgive my transgressors. I have decided to put God first in my life and I have seen miraculous changes in my life daily. In light of all my tribulations during the course I passed with flying colours on the 29th October 2009 and was presented with my Certificate at a Graduation Ceremony on the 4th November 2009. The assessors described the quality of work produced as of “a very high standard”. I made history as I am now one of 16 student pioneers who are the first qualified Cocoordinators in Britain to have completed the NVQ Level 3 accredited Family Group Conference Co-coordinator Course and which has become an officially recognized qualification!! A Newsletter article has been produced acknowledging our great achievement and Yes!!!!! Ah me dat – bring it on. Thank you Jesus.

My life is looking up and I am gradually coming out of the condition of self doubt, lack and recession. The month of October 2009 has certainly been a bitter sweet experience for me but what I have lost does not compare to what I have gained because what I have gained has been immeasurable. I have met so many beautiful people along my journey who have given me so much support, encouragement and positive feedback and I am gradually regaining my strength, confidence and self belief again.

I no longer live in fear of my ex partner or his threats because I have now returned back to the fold and those who truly love me have welcomed me with open arms – a bit like the prodigal daughter I suppose.
I am alive to tell many other people who have been through or are going through a similar situation my journey and if my story touches another person and gives them hope and strength then I have accomplished God’s will. Where I was once silenced, made to feel ashamed and useless I now have found my voice and have found a purpose to my life; where I was blind I can now see therefore victory is already mine. Amen

I’d like to take this opportunity to thank God and to give thanks to several special people in my life – my mother, my brother Winston and his wife Judy whom I love very much. I am in total gratitude for the love they have constantly shown me even at times when I was not ready to receive it.

I believe that God is showing me that I have a calling and a purpose to fulfill in the name of Jesus and by Gods will victory will be mine. God is good. Amen

by Jackie Davis