Families are experiencing many problems today, but the role of divorce in this picture has been frequently overlooked because its destructive effects have been so subtle, yet insidious. When the divorce rate increased in the 1960s, few would have predicted the consequences that we are experiencing today; divorce has drastically changed both the structure and the impact of the family.

Until the 1960s, divorce had been a relatively rare phenomenon. Certainly there have always been some couples who have considered divorce an option. But fundamental changes in our society in the last few decades have changed divorce from being rare to routine.

During the 1970s, the divorce rate doubled and the number of divorces tripled from 400,000 in 1962 to 1.2 million in 1981. The increase in the divorce rate came not from older couples but from the baby boom generation.

This increase was due to at least two major factors: attitude and opportunity. The baby boom generation's attitude toward such issues as fidelity, chastity, and commitment were strikingly different from their parents'. Their parents would stay in a marriage in order to make it work. Baby boomers, however, were less committed to the ideal of marriage and quite willing to end what they felt was a bad marriage and move on with their lives. While their parents might keep a marriage going "for the sake of the kids," the baby boom generation was less concerned about such issues.

The rise in divorce closely parallels the increase in the number of women working. Women earning a salary were less likely to stay in a marriage that wasn't fulfilling to them. Armed with a measure of economic power, many women had less incentive to stay in a marriage and work out their differences with their husbands.

DIVORCE AND CHILDREN

Despite what the media may portray to us that glosses over the devastation that divorce has on couples as well as children divorce having a devastating impact on both adults and children. The truth is that you don’t walk away from a marriage whole; you once had a history with that person.

Every year, parents of over 1 million children divorce. These divorces effectively cut one generation off from another. Children are reared without the presence of their father or mother. Children are often forced to take sides in the conflict. The children often carry the scars of theconflict and frequently blame themselves for their parents divorce.

SO WHAT IS THE IMPACT?

A few decades ago, children of divorced parents were an oddity. Today they are the majority. The fact that divorce is the norm may make it easier for children to accept their parents' divorce. But what will it do to their marriages in the decades ahead?

How will our children know about marriage, how will they know what to do when it gets tough, what legacy are we leaving for them to follow?

What little we do know about the long-term impact of divorce is disturbing

• Three out of five children felt rejected by at least one parent.
• Five years after their parent's divorce, more than one-third of the children were doing markedly worse than they had been before the divorce.
• Half grew up in settings in which the parents were warring with each other even after the divorce.
• In addition to the emotional impact is the educational impact. Children growing up in broken homes do not do as well in school as children from stable families.

Divorce and remarriage adds another additional twist to modern families. These changing family structures complicate relationships. Divorce and remarriage shuffle family members together in difficult and awkward ways. Clear lines of authority and communication get blurred and confused in these newly revised families.

The stress on remarried couples is difficult enough, but it intensifies when step-children are involved. Conflict between a stepparent and stepchild is inevitable and can be enough to threaten the stability of a remarriage. According to one study, remarriages that involve stepchildren are more likely to end in divorce than those that don't.

Historically the laws governing marriage were based upon traditional Christian belief that marriage was for life. Marriage was intended to be a permanent institution. Thus, the desire for divorce was not held to be self-justifying. Legally the grounds for divorce had to be circumstances that justified making an exemption to the assumption of marital permanence. The spouse seeking a divorce had to prove that the other
spouse had committed one of the "faults" recognized as justifying the dissolution of the marriage. In most cases, the classic grounds for divorce were cruelty, desertion, and adultery. In just a few decades we have moved from a position where divorce was permitted for a few reasons to a position in which divorce is permitted for any reason or no reason at all. The impact on the institution of marriage has been devastating.

Most marriages start out on a solid footing. But after the honeymoon, comes the more difficult process of learning to live together harmoniously. The success of the process is affected by both internal factors (willingness to meet each other's needs, etc.) and external factors (such as the availability of divorce)

What is the biblical Perspective on divorce?

The Bible speaks to the issue of divorce in both the Old Testament and the New Testament.

Malachi 2:10-16 - Have we not all one Father? Did not one God create us? Why do we profane the covenant of our fathers by breaking faith with one another?...Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. "I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel.

This passage deals with breaking a prior agreement or covenant. It specifically addresses the issue of illegal intermarriage and the issue of divorce. Malachi specifically teaches that husbands and wives are to be faithful to one another because they have God as their Father. A marriage relationship is built upon a solemn covenant.

In the New Testament book of Matthew, we have the clearest teachings by Jesus on the subject of divorce.

Matthew 5:31 32 It has been said, 'Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.' But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to commit adultery, and anyone who marries a woman so divorced commits adultery. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.

Matthew 19:9 And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.

In these two passages, Jesus challenges the views of the Jewish thought. He teaches that marriage is for life and should not be dissolved by divorce.

The other significant section of teaching on divorce in the New Testament can be found in Paul's teaching on divorce in 1 Corinthians 7:10-15 To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife. To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as
it is, they are holy. But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.

In the first section Paul addresses Christians married to one another he gives the command for believers to stay married. In the next section, Paul addresses the issue of mixed marriages. He says that even in spite of religious incompatibility in such a marriage, Paul teaches that the believing spouse is not to seek divorce. Paul affirms the biblical principle: do not seek divorce. However, if the unbelieving spouse insists on divorce, the believer is not bound in such circumstances.

However in very troubling cases which involve mental, sexual, and/or physical abuse, legal separation is available as a remedy to protect the abused spouse. God hates divorce; therefore Christians should never be in the position of encouraging or promoting divorce. Instead they should be encouraging reconciliation.

As Christians in a society where divorce is rampant, I believe we must come back to these important biblical principles concerning marriage. Christians should work to build strong marriages instead of looking for the way out. A good marriage takes a lot of hard work, sacrifice and prayer but as we are faithful to work at it and give up being selfish we will be able to stay together and leave a legacy for our children and future generations.

Divorce is hard for both children and the parents, lives have been shattered and homes broken. people think that they can “move on” but the truth is you can never completely move on from the person that you once had a history and children with. The mot important events such as the children’s birthdays, school events and graduations and eventually even marriage is not shared with the new spouse but rather with the spouse that you had a history with. As Christians I believe we should reach out in love to those who have been through divorce recognising that divorce takes many years to heal. We must communicate Christ's forgiveness to them in the midst of their shattered lives. They need help and direction as they begin to put together the shattered pieces of their lives.

Marriage for life is God's ideal, but divorce is a reality in our society! Let us work towards God’s ideal for marriage and not go the way of the world.

Pastor Erica Goodman